sigh

I have been so tired for the past four days… that was four sleepless nights…there were many things to be done that even sleeping and eating were my last priorities.

Last Monday I had my third long exam in finance. And I think I didn’t do well (again…). In accounting, I used to study for at least 3 days. For the past 3 LTs in finance, I began to study a day before the exam! What a crammer…

And now there’s History. I’ve always loved History. I don’t know why. :) I thought I would do well in hi165…that I would even get an A. Well, that’s what I thought…until we had our reporting last Wednesday. I don’t want to elaborate further because the more I think about it, the more depressed I become…but then to give you some ideas, it was DISASTROUS. There were technical problems, a lot of class time wasted, idle times, taglish reporting (which ma’am Habana doesn’t like), rumbled flow of the report etc etc.

Now I begin to be more depressed. Sigh…

LS 100. Last Tuesday, I had to pass a reflection paper and a long homework. The homework was not the typical “read the book and answer the following problems” type. We were to choose a problem in Ateneo and then propose a very DETAILED plan to solve it. Frida and I were partners. And just to give you an idea, there were vision-mission making, SWOT analysis, detailed action plan, “tree analysis”, stake holder’s analysis etc etc. Ours was 9-pages long. The other one, the reflection paper, was about leadership, mine was 4 pages, 1.5 spacing. But mind you, it wasn’t a simple reflection paper. We had to read a chapter in a book on leadership, summarize it, relate it to organizational behavior and reflect using our own experiences. We all thought we will have a quiz that night…4 chapters… and I studied for an hour and a half (4:30-6pm)…but Sir Lopez changed his mind. Hmmp..I should have just took a nap or did something else..

Lastly, but certainly the most stressing event this week was the COA election, campaign, miting de avance and accomplishment of other requirements COA asked the candidates to do. Until 1 am last Wednesday, I was writing short essays that were to be put in the election primer. I barely had 3 hours of sleep. Big thanks to Charmie because she let me stay in her condo til the following morning. At 6 am, I went home, ate, took a bath and then went to school again to cram for the history paper and reporting. After the history reporting, I cut my next and last class, EC113 to do my 3-minute speech for the miting de avance.

After the miting de avance last Wednesday, we (jo, mon mon, jun, Bennett, mel, randy, kuya jayr, james) went to red ribbon. I was very tired that time, but I couldn’t refuse the company of friends.. :) I was really tired…I can’t even line up at red ribbon to order my food. Mon mon had to do it (thanks!) because I felt dizzy.. Mon mon and I went to Prince David before going to red ribbon and there was a moment when I even had to lean against the wall because I felt dizzy and I saw things moving all around me… I ordered tocino, which I really like, but I couldn’t finish my meal… I haven’t eaten but I wasn’t hungry… my eyes were really getting heavier and heavier… but I just want to be with friends.

Worst case, I arrived home at 10 pm. I was really sleepy but I chose to stay awake because I was waiting for princess hours (I’m addicted to it). At 10:30, I decided to lie down but I fell asleep!! Argh! I woke up at around 11:30 (of course the show was over) and when I was supposed to go upstairs, my tummy ached! It felt like it was being squeezed. It really hurt so bad that I couldn’t even move.. Sigh…it wasn’t the first time that it happened. There were already a few instances when I was awoken at night by the same painful feeling in my stomach. Sheeeeet.. wag na sanang maulit.

happy chinese new year!

Chinese new year na. Na kina charmie kame ni mon mon para mag-aral ng finance kahapon. at nagluto kami ng tikoy! :) hahaha. Well, kahapon yun. At medyo masaya yung kahapon.

masama ang pakiramdam ni charmie ngayon.. :(

haaay, kahit ako eh.. maraming hindi nangyayaring hindi maganda ngayon...

well, new year na (sa mga chinese. pero at least nagkakasundo na ang lahat na new year na nga..haha).

new year...
new beginning...

haaay.. at least ngayon malinaw ko nang nakikita ang lahat...

on expectations

People usually have high expectations. I don't know why but maybe it is in the very nature of people to hope (or wish) for far greater things than what could possibly happen.

You're lucky if people exceed your expectations but more often than not, they don't. And all you can do is accept the fact that who they are is not exactly who you want to them to be and what they do is not exactly what you want them to do.

Yes, i usually have high hopes for things.

But i always know where and when to draw the line.

it's just that...
maybe
this
time
it was
too
much

i guess the last string is finally broken.

Out of reach

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now i feel like a fool
So confused,
My hearts brused
Was i ever loved by you

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If i stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know i will be ok

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes A while to regain
What is lost, inside
And i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
And i'll be over you

Out of reach,
So far
you never gave your heart
In my reach, i can see
Theres a life out there
For me

Sau

ayoko na.
puno na.
pagod na.

ayoko na...

The pieces don't fit anymore

It’s my hell week this week…midterms part 2 in EC113 (which by the way, I almost failed the 1st part except that my prof was really generous that he curved our grades), LS100 reporting, History165 Long Test, FIN103 quiz, Fin103 homework, and History paper group deadline. Nice…really really nice. Happy Valentine’s Jo…

Anyway, it is Sunday night and by now I should really be starting to read the tons of reading materials in History, make my part in LS report or at the very least study for my EC113 Midterms for tomorrow. It’s 11:15 on my watch right now. I usually sleep at around midnight. It’s not because I want to sleep late but somehow it already became a habit of mine to start thinking about sleeping when I see the hand of the clock ticking closer and closer to number 12.

I studied Eco until 8 pm tonight. I ate until 8:30…and then I remembered that QTV will be showing My Best friend’s Wedding at 9 pm. Yup, your guess is right. I am totally crazy, slacker and crammer for not studying for the rest of the night and by just watching the movie.

Anyway, I really like these kinds of movies…and you know what? Sometimes you can realize many things just by watching these movies and by understanding the stories…

For those who did not watch the film and for those who already forgotten the storyline (because the movie is sort of “old”…Julia Roberts cell phone was even as big (or bigger) than cordless telephones), the story goes like this. Julianne (if I am not mistaken), who is Julia Roberts, and Michael were the best of friends. Julianne realized that she was in love with her best friend. However, she found out that he is going to get married in four days. So she did all she can to break up the couple. In the end, she almost succeeded. But she realized that she’s been a complete fool for trying to jeopardize the happiness of her own best friend and of course the soon-to-be-bride. In the end, it finally happened…her best friend’s wedding.

Falling in love with your best friend? Some say it’s a sin. Some say that it cannot be avoided. But when you do, you just have to make a choice whether to welcome the feeling with arms wide open or just slide it at the back of your mind and just kill the growing fondness while you can.

Sometimes you just have to give up. Wake up and stop daydreaming that someday he/she will feel the same way. Unrequited love is sometimes unbearable…and just enough reason to let go.

In the movie, Julia Roberts gave up. Not because she stopped loving, but because she stopped being selfish. Loving is never a one-way street. In her case, I guess it was.

Just to end this entry, I just remembered some lyrics that a friend of mine told me…

Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It’s the better thing to do,
It’s time to surrender,
It’s been to long pretending.
There’s no use in trying,
When the pieces don’t fit anymore, Pieces dont fit here anymore.

I'll surely miss these guys..

If I will not renew my membership in Gabay, I will really miss these people:

(ito yung presently nasa Gabay)

Soulmate: I remember I asked him if he’s gay during the first time I talked to him. Marc is someone who is really serious about his work. He can really do a job well…whatever that job may be. I like soulmate a lot. Not in a romantic way. Not at all. It’s not because there’s something wrong with him. It’s just that for me, he is the type of a guy who you would like to have as a friend (although he usually has this mood swings). I remember that I was really close to him last year that I even hold his hands and hug him (without any malice). This year, we are not that close anymore but we are okay. :) We are close friends and he is someone whom I can “make kuwento” about anything under the sun. We became soulmates in Gabay and I know we’ll always be soulmates whether I am in Gabay or not.

Tim: We became this close because of mel. The closeness started during the time of “Mel’s Rebellion” to Gabay. Tim always has something to say. He always has stories to say about his blockmates, friends, teachers and practically, anyone. :) He’s vain. He really wants to take care of his body and buy expensive clothes. (Not that it’s bad, that’s his personality. We love tim because he is tim. :) ) I don’t believe that he can’t keep any secret. Because so far, he is doing really well in keeping mine. :) Good luck tim on being EDOP head. I know you can do it well. :)

James: Yup, I admit. I had a crush on james for about a week. :) It’s because he is really an achiever. (and I like people who are achievers and who have lots of dreams and take steps to achieve them) He seldom reply to texts. :) he’s really a good dancer. Mel said james ay ang pinakamabait sa bratz. Sige na nga lang. Siya pinakamabait sa I4. :) If he will be the new marketing area head next year, I know he can do well…maybe better than what I did. :)

Ekai: If there’s someone in Gabay whom I can tell anything (as in anything :) ), siya na yun. From my past to present to my plans in the future, I know I can tell her anything. Ekai has this really big heart that she has a place for everyone. Mabait saka madaling makasama. I know, she’ll be a great leader of Gabay. :)

Tina: Tina is fun to be with. Parang sabog parati…that she can always make you smile. Matalino rin yan and she knows her priorities. :) She can be a good FO.

Mike: it’s amazing how you can be close to someone in just a snap. Mike and I were not really close last year. But in just a few minutes of hanging out in GR, here we are as close friends. It’s amazing how you can easily share a piece of yourself to someone whom you just had a conversation with for just 30 minutes. I remember we even got out of the GA (Erya Code) to have a small conversation. And I am really flattered that he trusts me enough to share a part of him too.

Kuya Roy: sobrang bait ni kuya roi. :) He’s trustworthy and very responsible too.

Clang: mabait talaga. Magaling sumayaw. Sweet. Masarap kasama. Thanks Clang for being there. :)

(mga hindi na Gabay pero babalik next year)

Maral: aw.. love ko si maral. :) I know I can tell her anything. I trust her enough to tell her anything. :)

Rb: mabait siya sakin. Pero gaya ng sabi ni kambal, gagu siya. I appreciate what he does for me. I know he is someone who really cares. Pero hanggang dun na lang siguro yun. :)

Para sa akin lang ito...

Disclaimer: What you are going to read are JUST opinions/ideas of the author. It was not intended to hurt anyone… or to judge anyone…

(Actually, this applies to all the entries. :)

1. Sometimes people say what’s on their mind without really thinking about what other people may feel. Yes, I am guilty…but maybe so are you? :)
   

2. You can have lots of friends, close family members or trusted mentors but no one can really know the real and complete YOU. I can say that no one really knows ME in my entirety. Today, maybe Mon Mon would be the person closest in knowing the entire me. (Of course I have my barkada in HS. But they are not as updated as my closest college friends :) ..)
   

3. It hurts to know the truth…especially if it comes from other people...
   

4. I actually think many Ateneans are real person-for-others. Just to name a few, there is Kayelle, Anty and Ate Tish. I don’t think that all rich people are just taking advantage of the poor.
   

5. I really understand the outburst of emotions and thoughts…but somehow I was hurt…not because I think I am guilty…but because I still care for that org…and for those people…and I think it is also unfair to judge their whole personality by just some instances… I mean, who are we to judge them…we don’t really know the entire story…we don’t really know their life stories or what they’ve been through…or what kind of life they have… I just think, sometimes, dapat hinay-hinay lang… :(
   

6. Apology accepted. Actually, when I thought about it, it was a liitle too late. :) Nadisappoint na ako nun pa lang na sinabi ko sayo na dapat tuparin mo yung sinabi mo pero sabi mo na malamang hindi mo matupad kahit hind si **** maging pres. I think that was the day after the election. Haha. Pero ok lang. Nung nag-apologize ka, matagal ko nang tanggap. :)

7. Hmmm..mukhang hindi na insensitive.
   

8. dahil 8 ang favorite number ko, dapat 8 din ang laman nito. Hmmmm.. natutuwa ako dahil finally, I think I am being appreciated.
   

The end.

love?

On love…(reaction to charmie’s entry)

I don’t recall any lesson in Th131 about love and neither am I an expert or experienced on this topic, but yes, I think genuine love exists without commitment but commitment can exist without genuine love.

Other people can easily know (and say) that they are in love. It really amazes me how people can say with all conviction that they already love a person. I really don’t know how. I mean, I don’t really know the difference between love, admiration/infatuation and just simply liking a person.

Mike and I had a conversation about this last December. We were talking about “his past” and finally, we reached the old-age question of “how do you know that you are in really in love?” or “how do you know na siya na?” Is it subjective? Does it differ from person A to person B? Is it up to one’s own definition of love?

I don’t know. :)

But somehow I can say (with all conviction :) ) that I have never fell in love.
I had my own share of crushes (example, kuya Bel :) haha) and guys that I liked (e.g. hmmm…wag na lang. haha)

And sometimes it is hard to tell the difference: Are you just caught up in the “cloud nine” feeling or is it for real? Is this temporary or will it last for eternity?

Sometimes people become cynical about love because of past hurts, sorrows, heartaches, betrayals etc… You are lucky if the other person feel the same way but more often than not, happily ever after are just for fairytales. The person may not reciprocate the love that you have and you just end up being hurt. Or sometimes you are already in a relationship but circumstances breaks the relationship apart and you end up being alone again…

Now, that I think about it, ang hirap pala…

But am I cynical?

No.

Just avoiding being hurt?

Maybe.

Afraid of commitment?

Maybe.

Now why am I saying this?

There’s a song that goes, “maybe sometimes love just aint enough..”

I think there is a line that separates love and commitment.

You may love someone “with all your heart” but love is not enough to commit. I totally agree to Charms. :) Love may be the foundation to start and build a relationship but still the commitment will make the relationship last forever. I know two people who are in love with each other...they are bestfriends. They are together all the time. Only the two of them can really understand each other. Yet they choose not to go "to the next level". Sabi sakin nung girl, hindi naman sila nagmamadali... and commitment is really something that you must think about before jumping into one.

In your old age, love may fade, attraction will definitely die but in the end, commitment will still make a couple “a couple” for more than just a couple of years… :)

Ngayon? Hmmm…masaya na muna ako sa ganito. ayoko munang maging komplikado ang buhay ko…ang totoo, gusto ko yung ganitong set-up. haha

Nasaan na?

Nasaan na ang pagtataya?

Lunchbreak ko kahapon ng 12pm. Pumunta ako sa rummage sale ng Gabay sa may Kostka Extension dala dala ang pagkain ko para magbantay ng booth doon. Nadatnan ko si Ate Mutie na nag-iisa doon. Hindi pa raw siya kumakain kaya naman nung dumating ako, umalis siya sandali para kumain.

Kanina, lunchbreak ko (na naman) ng 12:30. Diretso ako sa Rummage booth na dala dala na ulit ang pagkain ko para magbantay ulit. Nakita ko na naman si Ate Mutie dun na mag-isa lang at walang kasama.

Tinanong ko sa kanya, nasan na yung mga FOCs nya na dapat sana tumulong sa kanya? Sabi nya lang sakin, hindi raw kasi pwede lahat (except si Aga na nagbabantay minsan). Sunod, naisip ko, nasan na yung mga marketing members na nirequire ko na magbantay ng at least an hour? Nalaman ko na si Em-em, Marc, Tina at Jahnus lang ata nagbantay dun (pero nung hapon, pumunta na sina Mark, Miguel at Mich).

Nakakainis nga naman isipin na nagpapakahirap at nagpapakapagod ka sa isang proyekto (kahit kaw pa head nun) nang ikaw lang mag-isa at hindi tinutulungan ng mga ka-org mo. Hindi mo naman project yun mag-isa..project yun ng buong organisasyon… okay, para straight to the point na, project yun ng buong GABAY.

Sabi ni Ate Mutie, hindi raw nakabuti at isang pagpapakita nga nga departmentalisasyon sa Gabay ang pagkakaroon ng mga FOCs, POLOs, TAGs at SEC-Cs. Tama nga naman…iisipin na lang ng mga miyembro na “bakit pa ako tutulong, eh meron naman talaga syang mga FOCs na dapat sana katulong nya talaga?!”. Ang masasabi ko lang, bakit hindi ka rin ba Gabayano? Hindi ba’t tinawag nga itong Ateneo Gabay Rummage Sale dahil proyekto ito ng buong organisasyon?

Mas nakasasama pa sa loob ni Ate Mutie (at sa akin na rin) ang mga taong:

1. umiiwas dumaan sa Kostka Extension dahil ayaw nilang tumulong.
2. mga taong tumatambay sa GR (na wala naman talagang importanteng gagawin) pero ayaw magbantay sa booth at bigla na lang nagsasabing may gagawin sila pag humingi na si Ate Mutie ng tulong.

Sabi nga ni Ate Mutie, nung first year siya hindi naman ganito ang Gabay. Noon, exciting lahat ng GAs, masipag mag-erya ang lahat, wala pang mga FOCs, TAGs, POLOs at SEC-Cs noon at magaling na organisasyon ang Gabay.

Ngayon, nasan na ang pagtataya?

Kakaunti na lamang ang nag-eerya. Kaunti na lang ang umaatend ng GAs. Minsan iniisip ko, nag-sstay ang mga tao dahil lang sa masayang parte ng Gabay (parties, etc. )

Haay, nasan na ba talaga ang pagtataya?

sino ka sa dalawa? :)

Someone told me that there are two kinds of friends.

If you stumble across your way and fall, one kind of friend will go rushing towards you, be empathetic and he/she will tell you that everything will be alright. He or she will help you to get up no matter what.

Another kind of friend will just look at you as you get up all by yourself, laugh at your mistake and tell you that “you are a complete moron”.

The first friend is the kind who will be there, at your side, ‘til the end of time. He/she will watch closely every move you take…ready to give you a hand anytime. (Kumbaga, spoiled ka. :) ) If you meet a stumbling block on your way, he/she will always be there to catch your fall.

The other friend is the kind who will be there with you…though you don’t always notice him/her. He/she will watch you from a distance, let you commit your own mistakes, laugh at you for your errors and tell you na “tanga mo kasi :) ”.

I think all of us have these two kinds of friends. Mind you, the first kind is not better than the other…nor the other way around.

It may seem that “ang sama naman ng second kind of friend”. But for me sometimes people have different ways of “being a friend”. The other friend did not laugh just to make fun of you. He/she has no real intentions of making you feel like a complete fool. I think it is his/her way of “being there for you”. Maybe it is his/her own way of making the situation less hard for you. Maybe it is his/her own way of saying, “ok lang yan” or “kaya mo yan”.

So whatever kind of friend we may have right now, let's just be grateful that we have them. :)

Kaya sa lahat ng friends ko, kahit yung 1^st or 2^nd kind ka pa, hahaha :)

Salamat.

Kaya kambal, hindi ako nainis sa ginawa mo dati. i thought ginawa ma lang yun para hindi ako madepress sa nangyari. I actually appreciate just the fact that you're there with me during one of my lowest points.. thanks. :)

updates..updates

It was James’ birthday last Wednesday. (sorry, late update..haha). We ate at Red Ribbon. :)

For the first time this year, john went with us (H4) at red ribbon!!!! wohoo! :) i rarely see him. And whenever i do, he always have something to do that's why i seldom talk to him. Of course we miss him. :)

I also had my eco midterms! And it was difficult. Sigh… Sir De Guzman really knows how to play with words, scramble them and put unnecessary and confusing words in sentences you would not even suspect of. Turned out that i got 12 out of 20!!!!argh! sheeeet!!!!

i also had my midterms in philo. sheeeeet ulit. :(

Anyway, I regret not going to the minoring talk. But it was not because I wanted to have a minor…it’s just that my friends are there and kambal said that Ibarra was joking during her part. I would have wanted to see that. :)

i bought kalil at the date auction. :) It's not because i like him. It's because a friend does. :)

Good for me

It has already been three years. I can’t believe that after all this years, it’s still there.

Funny how time goes by so fast and yet time…and even distance did not keep it from staying. Sigh...
But surprisingly, I don’t feel any jealousy…not even a bit.

Good for me.

insensitive

I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, i’m out of touchI fell too fast, i feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

Shemay, eto naman ako. Pangatlong beses na ‘to ah..at parang pare-pareho nalang.

ewan

Haay, nainis talaga ako nung friday ah… Sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga ako madaling magalit/mainis..hindi sa pagmamayabang pero understanding talaga ako.. J lalo na sa malalaking issues/arguments/conflicts etc. I try to see both sides of the coin.

Nakakatawang isipin pero minsan mas umiinit ang ulo/nababadtrip/naiinis ako sa mga maliliit na bagay..pero kung tutuusin, hindi rin naman maliliit na bagay lang yun. Siguro minsan nagpapatong-patong na rin..dahil karaniwan, hindi ko na pinapansin yung mga maliliit na bagay, hinahayaan ko na lang. Pagkikimkim ba yun? Hindi. Pero nakakainis na siguro talaga pag paulit-ulit nang nangyayari.

Isa na talaga sa pinakaiinisan ko (seryoso) kapag di natutupad yung plano/lakad/balak lalo pa’t I’m looking forward to it at may mga bagay na pinagpapalit/pinagpapaliban na importante rin naman.

Nakakainis din kapag may mga taong hindi nakakaappreciate sa’yo kahit na ang dami mo nang ginawa..pero parang walang halaga pa rin.

Haay, ewan.