20 things...

20 things I have wanted to say to people…

1. 1. Crush kita dati pero ngayon hindi na. Siguro malaking factor yung alam kong may gusto ka nang iba. Saka hello?! Ano bang laban ko dun?? eh since first year pa ata, gusto mo na siya. Ngayon, parang wala ka nang epekto sakin. Hahahaha

2. 2. You’re like a little brother to me. Though crushable ka, hahaha, never naman natuloy dahil parang kapatid ang turing ko sa’yo. Sana ayusin mo yung pag-aaral mo ha?? Saka tama na ang pagpapaiyak ng girls! :)

3. 3. I wonder how you do it. :) Super friendly mo kasi… and everybody likes you. Parang totoong totoo ka. Kaya mong sakyan lahat ng tao. Kaya mong pakibagayan lahat. At saka ang strong mo.. And I admire you for those traits. :)

4. 4. You would always be one of my most treasured friends and it’s just kinda sad that we’re not that close anymore…I wish we could go back to the way we were before everything messed up… I just miss our friendship so much. Sana ikaw rin.

5. 5. Isa ka talaga sa mga taong sobrang bait…sobrang bait talaga. Gustong gusto kita dati…pero hindi na nga pwede ngayon…sad…

6. 6. You’re like my little sister dito sa Ateneo. I love you, you know that. sana close friends pa rin tayo kahit graduate na ako. Uy! Yung lakad natin di pa natutuloy! :)

7. 7. You have so much potential…at nanghihinayang ako sa mga nangyari sa’yo. Sana this time, you make it better. But I want you to know that I’ll still be your friend no matter what. Life has to go on… You just have to be strong.

8. 8. Uy namimiss na kita! Pano pa kaya kita makukulit??!! Kung wala ka sanang girlfriend dati, mas nakipag-close pa ako sa’yo. Eh ngayon kaya na hindi ka na taken, pwede na kaya? :)

9. 9. Uy! Namimiss na kita. Hindi na kita nakikita ah?!?! Ganyan ba talaga pag may pinopormahan? :p

10. 10. Hey, sana maalala mo pangalan ko pag nagkita tayo.

11. 11. Feeling ko we were never meant to be. SIguro nga I was just an instrument for you to realize things about yourself. Sana nagbago ka na nga. I just wish you well.

12. 12. I hate you for being such a free loader. Walang tiwala sa’yo ang mga tao…and guess what? You proved them right.

13. 13. I have treated you as my friend and yet ganyan ang tingin mo sa akin. Masyadong mataas ang tingin mo sa sarili mo. And you’re pulling other people down. Hindi ka nakakatulong. Why don’t you trust me? I’m as good as you are. Maybe even better.

14. 14. Tama na ang pagiging heartbroken. Magmove-on na tayong lahat. :p

15. 15. Wag na tayong maghanap ng boyfriend. Sila na lang ang maghanap sa atin! Hahaha pero seriously, I want you to know that I am here for you lalo na pag may problems ka. Saka tama na ang pagiging malungkot dahil sa nakaraan! Haha

16. 16. I miss the times when we would just stay on the phone for hours... How are you doing now? I miss you friend..

17. 17. I'm sorry for only thinking about myself.. I'm sorry for not having time for you guys..i miss you..

18. 18. I wonder how you are doing... I hope you’re happy now. I wish our roads meet someday... I miss my bestfriend.

19. 19. I’m beginning to really love our group. I thank God I am part of the team. I am really proud of us. Let’s all be focused on our responsibilities but I hope we’ll have fun and happy memories too. I sincerely hope that the kind of friendship we are building continues even after college. :)

2020. I wish all our desires are also God’s desire for us so that all those may come true someday. I love you guys.

things..

i thought girls are the ones who are into gossips. Guess I was wrong...Argh.
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Anyways, i'm over with the SPEED thing..and i did not renew in Gabay...hahaha. Guess it was meant to be that way... The only thing that would have made me stay in Gabay was loyalty... I think i won't be able to contribute anwway...I'll just be a useless member...haha. It's better off this way.

A summary

It’s amazing how one thought can suddenly change to another…how one decision can be inverted to the complete opposite of it… And all these changes confuse me… Suddenly I do not know what to do anymore. Last Friday we had a discernment talk. The Jesuit brother who delivered the talk was really amazing. But rather than me finding the answers to all my queries, I found myself more soaked in my unanswered questions regarding purposes, destiny, life, death…those boring stuff for other people. In addition, the thought of graduating soon…really soon… is sinking. And oh my, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

But today I am more problematic about my present…and it scares me. Last Friday too, I came to a big decision on something that I have been thinking for the past few days. And today, I am confused about it. I need to decide very soon and I don’t think I am ready for it. To leave or not? Last Friday I already thought of not renewing in Gabay. I actually thought that it was the last day of renewal so I thought my decision was final. I guess I was wrong because this Monday is the last day. What are my reasons of not renewing? One is that somehow I feel lost whenever I am in that crowd. I don’t recognize most of the faces anymore and my batchmates and friends are not always there for me to talk to so I resort on not staying in the GR even if I want to. Second, I am not feeling the area anymore, maybe because my SDG area with Mark was not continued. I don’t feel that I am a part of it anymore. I don’t head any project, I don’t know what’s happening in there, I don’t know even the new members of Edop. I feel that I am useless in that org. Keeping me or not, staying or not won’t make any difference. Their life would go on without me.

Last Wednesday, I became sad, very sad because of many reasons. I was in the SPEED caroling then and suddenly I felt like I still am a stranger in that crowd. I wasn’t talking then. My chair is somehow away from the few people I know. The whole time I was just singing because I had to. I suddenly missed Gabay and how fun the caroling is in Gabay. And a thought came: I won’t be feeling that way if I am in Gabay. I won’t be a stranger because I am at home and with my family. That if I am in Gabay practice I would be smiling the whole time. I would be happier. Then I missed the people. I missed my friends there. I missed the kind of practices we had before. I missed being a soprano and not just simply be one of the singers. I missed singing carol of the bells and be persistent on it because I was always catching my breath whenever I sing that song. Last year I wasn’t able to join a real caroling because of conflict with my ANI caroling. I remember I even told a friend that I am joining this year’s caroling. Now I don’t know if I will be able to stay true to that promise. Actually now, I want to keep that promise…

If I am to analyze what is happening to me, here’s how it goes: I love SPEED. I love the area. I love interacting with the special children. I love the projects. But somehow, something is lacking. And lately I am having these confusions because lately I am having unhappy moments in SPEED. Sometimes I go to the room, but somehow I still feel like a stranger…that’s why I immediately go to either COA or Kythe room. Today I suddenly exploded. I really hate it when parang pinagtutulungan ka ng mga tao nang sabay-sabay. And they don’t even try to understand. And the worst part of it (which I think got me really annoyed and what really triggered my explosion) was that the person who really rubbed it in was the person who I never thought would do that to me. I am sorry for shouting but I was really pissed off about the violent reactions.

I wasn’t supposed to leave early but I think it’s also God’s doing that my Gabay friends invited me to a movie. And honestly, I missed them. I really do, especially mel. I was talking with Maral earlier about the things that we want to have another chance on. I said I wanted to bring back the kind of friendship I had with mel. This is not because of ulterior motives or something…but because I think what we had was rare. And it’s such a waste for it to end just like that because of unwanted and uncontrolled events for the past months. And I envied bea and Derek in the movie. I would have wanted that kind of friendship; somebody to talk to about anything under the sun, no romantic issues involved…completely friendship.

To a friend at Red Ribbon,

hey, I never thought a tear (or two..) would show up on that supposedly simple conversation-over-dinner we had. For the past weeks I’ve been wanting to drink…and literally be drunk. I must admit you were right when you said I was just trying to find that moment when I can just let it all out… As you said, it was just so damn hard to show others how you really feel… Drinking sessions are perfect venues to forget about being the happy, problem-free person you are and be soaked in the sad reality of life…it gives you the perfect excuse to shout at people, throw stuff, do silly things…which you can’t do when you’re sober because it’s just not the usual you. Somehow I wanted to experience being so drunk so that I can have that perfect excuse to not be me…and to escape the reality even for a while… I would love that… But yet again, I guess God has not permitted that to happen (at least not yet)…I just want to thank you… You were right… I don’t know how to articulate it…but somehow you got it all right. With a few words, how come you understood everything? And so… thank you friend.. because for the first time, i was able to understand it…and somehow I was able to let it out… For the drinking sessions in the near future, I guess I’ll just pass for now. :)

Let’s talk about love ;p

At the age of 20, I think I have never fallen in love. Though some people may say that I am just not admitting it, whenever I look back I feel that something was missing in those experiences that I had. It just didn’t feel that it was IT.
Anyway, let me share some situations I was in… I think most people can relate to these too. :)

Situation 1: Two best friends liking the same guy
Yup. This situation sucks. What would you do if you both like the same person? It’s really awkward.. BUT at the end of the day, I think the friendship is more worth keeping than just fighting over a guy.

Situation 2: Falling for the bestfriend
Talking every day, doing all things together, texting and calling all the time, being there for each other…these are what bestfriends do. So how can you not go beyond that friendship line? I think there would always come a time when one of the pair simply falls for the other. It always, always happens.

Situation 3: A friend telling you how the guy you really like confessed his feelings for her
Of course the friend doesn’t know that you really like the guy, so you still flash that smile and pretend you are really interested...but deep inside, OUCH!

Situation 4: Messianic complex
Guys, let’s face the truth… there are a million as*h***s in there who would just like to play with women. And there are also men whose lives are so sh***y, they need help to find their direction in life. But at the end of the road, I don’t think these guys can achieve that change if they themselves are not serious about it.

Lesson learned: Do not like him even if you are supposed to act like you do.

I hate choices

Theology always says that we are given free will because God loves us very much and that because we are created in the image and likeness of God…and so we are given a certain freedom to use however we want to. But in reality, sometimes that very gift becomes a curse. Whenever I am given choices, it is almost always hard to choose. The process of thinking about the consequences is hard. Who are we to know what would happen if we choose this one instead of that? Are we sure this way is easier that the other? Are we certain we will be happy with our decision? I am not a fan of decision making. In fact, I think I suck at it. But…I have this principle in my life that has never failed me…and that is NO REGRETS… I always think that everything happens for a reason. I may not see that reason but I know and I trust the Lord that whatever it may be…it’s for the good. I may not be a religious person but I still believe that God will never abandon me…ever.

My first semester

The second semester is coming but I have never talked about the first semester…hmmmm…
First of all, I think the first semester of my fourth year is my worst semester. I think I cried a lot that semester. I got stressed and depressed many times mostly about how things are getting out of hand…how things are turning out the worst way possible. It is my worst semester because sobrang sabog ko lang talaga… I was not studying seriously. I was not prioritizing. I was wasting my time doing unproductive things. I was turning away from obligations. I was not giving time for friends. I was escaping a lot of times. I was forgetting a lot of people. I was just not my usual self… In a way I was happy because I got new friends…but I know the sem could have been better…

-LS126
Talk about a thesis that is done overnight…that’s why it sucked.
I liked the subject. That was before I took it. The teacher just sucked… I think if it was a different professor, things would have turned out differently.

-POS100
I don’t know why I did that…honestly… That was very wrong. Or I just miscalculated it??? I thought our prof would still be kind to us…but hell no… I really learned a lesson there.

-PH103
I love Sir Tolentino…but I hate the grades that I got. I so envy those people who got A’s in his class while my final grade is just a B… too bad for me. Well, there are other philo sections where I could have gotten an A but I still do not regret choosing that class… I love Philosophy and I think it is all because of Sir Roy who made Philosophy a really fun and worth-taking subject. I would never forget my PH 101,102 and 103… I just love Philosophy under Sir Roy Tolentino. :)

-Th141
We had no choice but to take Sir Acevedo. I will not say that he’s that bad of a teacher…in fact I think he’s good..though he should make his class more interesting. His long tests are so damn hard..his orals are difficult too…but now that I am done with the subject, I think I kinda liked that subject too..especially the immersion…I miss Maporak :)

-HIS166
I never had a cut in this subject. How could you cut the subject when sir Totanes was really funny and adorable??hahahahaha

-EC177
It’s the most boring class this semester. I still hate Sir Sescon for not giving us a high grade for our Eco project. Argh.

This too shall pass

A friend once asked me, “bakit ikaw, wala ka bang problema?” I said “wala.” My friend said, “buti ka pa.” But now that I think about it, it’s not totally true. I do have problems of my own…I just try not to think about it. Whenever I have problems, I try not to tell people about it. I just don’t want people to be involved. I just don’t want to bother other people. I always think I can handle everything. I think I am strong. I am…most of the time.

“everything will soon be alright..”

“this too shall pass..”

err...don't mind this

Hindi talaga ako playing safe na tao. Ok lang sa akin ang madapa. OK lang sa akin ang masaktan. Minsan nga para akong timang dahil isinusubo ko pa ang sarili ko sa gulo. Alam ko na ngang ako rin ang talo sa huli pero ayun, sige pa rin. Hindi rin ako mangingiming sumugal sa mga bagay-bagay. Gusto ko rin ata ng mga challenges. Gusto ko ng excitement.
Pero nagbago na ata ako ngayon. Nagbago na nga ba ng tuluyan? O nagbago lang pagdating sa isang bagay? Ay ewan. Basta ang alam ko, ayoko nang masaktan pa ulit sa mga lalaking yan. Ewan ko nga ba. Never pa naman akong nagkaboyfriend pero parang feeling ko, naexperience ko na lahat ng kasawian sa pag-ibig. Tsk tsk. Malamang nabasa mo na ang yung mga naunang entries. Pero hindi ko pa ata nasulat dun lahat. May mga kelangan kasing protektahan na mga tao…
Anyway, nasan na nga ba ako? Ayun, ayoko na atang magkagusto pa sa isang tao. Ang malas ko ata dahil parating may iba nang gusto yung mga nagugustuhan ko. Karaniwan pa kakilala o kaibigan ko pa. Tsk tsk. Kaya nga sabi ko dun sa isa kong kaibigan, nagbago na ako ngayon eh. Sa halip na puso ang pairalin, dapat isip. Kung alam mong may ibang gusto, kalimutan mo na lang. Masasaktan ka lang. O mahihirapan ka lang. Dapat hanggang maaga, pigilan mo na yung nararamdaman mo hangga’t kaya mo pa. Sabi ko nga dati, dapat gamitin ang isip paminsan-minsan..,hindi puro puso.
Haay..ang problema nag lang…ang daling sabihin, ang hirap-hirap gawin.