A summary

It’s amazing how one thought can suddenly change to another…how one decision can be inverted to the complete opposite of it… And all these changes confuse me… Suddenly I do not know what to do anymore. Last Friday we had a discernment talk. The Jesuit brother who delivered the talk was really amazing. But rather than me finding the answers to all my queries, I found myself more soaked in my unanswered questions regarding purposes, destiny, life, death…those boring stuff for other people. In addition, the thought of graduating soon…really soon… is sinking. And oh my, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

But today I am more problematic about my present…and it scares me. Last Friday too, I came to a big decision on something that I have been thinking for the past few days. And today, I am confused about it. I need to decide very soon and I don’t think I am ready for it. To leave or not? Last Friday I already thought of not renewing in Gabay. I actually thought that it was the last day of renewal so I thought my decision was final. I guess I was wrong because this Monday is the last day. What are my reasons of not renewing? One is that somehow I feel lost whenever I am in that crowd. I don’t recognize most of the faces anymore and my batchmates and friends are not always there for me to talk to so I resort on not staying in the GR even if I want to. Second, I am not feeling the area anymore, maybe because my SDG area with Mark was not continued. I don’t feel that I am a part of it anymore. I don’t head any project, I don’t know what’s happening in there, I don’t know even the new members of Edop. I feel that I am useless in that org. Keeping me or not, staying or not won’t make any difference. Their life would go on without me.

Last Wednesday, I became sad, very sad because of many reasons. I was in the SPEED caroling then and suddenly I felt like I still am a stranger in that crowd. I wasn’t talking then. My chair is somehow away from the few people I know. The whole time I was just singing because I had to. I suddenly missed Gabay and how fun the caroling is in Gabay. And a thought came: I won’t be feeling that way if I am in Gabay. I won’t be a stranger because I am at home and with my family. That if I am in Gabay practice I would be smiling the whole time. I would be happier. Then I missed the people. I missed my friends there. I missed the kind of practices we had before. I missed being a soprano and not just simply be one of the singers. I missed singing carol of the bells and be persistent on it because I was always catching my breath whenever I sing that song. Last year I wasn’t able to join a real caroling because of conflict with my ANI caroling. I remember I even told a friend that I am joining this year’s caroling. Now I don’t know if I will be able to stay true to that promise. Actually now, I want to keep that promise…

If I am to analyze what is happening to me, here’s how it goes: I love SPEED. I love the area. I love interacting with the special children. I love the projects. But somehow, something is lacking. And lately I am having these confusions because lately I am having unhappy moments in SPEED. Sometimes I go to the room, but somehow I still feel like a stranger…that’s why I immediately go to either COA or Kythe room. Today I suddenly exploded. I really hate it when parang pinagtutulungan ka ng mga tao nang sabay-sabay. And they don’t even try to understand. And the worst part of it (which I think got me really annoyed and what really triggered my explosion) was that the person who really rubbed it in was the person who I never thought would do that to me. I am sorry for shouting but I was really pissed off about the violent reactions.

I wasn’t supposed to leave early but I think it’s also God’s doing that my Gabay friends invited me to a movie. And honestly, I missed them. I really do, especially mel. I was talking with Maral earlier about the things that we want to have another chance on. I said I wanted to bring back the kind of friendship I had with mel. This is not because of ulterior motives or something…but because I think what we had was rare. And it’s such a waste for it to end just like that because of unwanted and uncontrolled events for the past months. And I envied bea and Derek in the movie. I would have wanted that kind of friendship; somebody to talk to about anything under the sun, no romantic issues involved…completely friendship.